Find your people and

 start doing life together!

 

Okay, so I’m back, with possibly the last part of my lesson, but I’m not making any promises.

In the last couple of posts, we talked about the ‘whys’ of community and we dealt with the ‘what’, so we now come to the ‘how’.

It would be wrong of me to explain what it is and why it’s so important and not give you some practical ways of living it out and tips on how to build this thing I’m so passionate about.

Let me begin by quoting from a book by Jennie Allen:

“There are scientific studies that show how many relationships we can manage and how we socially interact with people. Basically, we can handle a network of only about 150 people. Think of your Christmas list. People you talk to at least once or twice a year. Inside that 150 are layers of friendships that deepen with how much time you spend with the person and the degree of your relationship with them. Research suggests that we can handle only 50 people in what we call our acquaintances. Within those 50 people there are 15 people in our village and within our village we have a capacity to make five of them our BFF's. Only five! How much time you spend face to face with a person is what determines where they fit in your 150. And what pushes people deeper into our inner circles of friends? The amount of time we spend with them. TIME.”

Can I tell you something? YOU CAN’T HAVE WHAT YOU’RE NOT WILLING TO BECOME.

If you want friends, you have to become one. (Proverbs 18:24a)

If you want Godly community, you have to be willing to put the work in.

In Jennie’s book, she shows a graphic of 4 circles, all set within each other. At the centre of this is God. Working out of this into the next circle is the inner circle, then onto the village (community) circle and then a circle labelled acquaintances.

Take some time to think right now about the circle called acquaintances. This is a very large circle. There may be 50 or more people in this circle. It is made up of people from all walks of life. You may know only their first name. Maybe it’s the lady at the post office or the fruit and vege market or maybe your accountant, a business owner or the cashier at your local supermarket. You don’t have any real connection and only ever make small talk with them.

Then we come to the next circle, moving closer to the centre. The village circle, or what I like to call, our community. This is a medium sized group and there may be only 10 to 30 in this group. This is a very diverse group of consistent, interconnected people. Our fellow believers at our local church, our childrens’ friends’ parents, Sunday school teachers, pastors, Bible study leaders, ladies in your coffee get togethers etc.

With this number of people, we don’t have time to do life with them in any sort of meaningful way, but they are still very important and necessary. They can pray for you, help you when you’re in need, talk about spiritual matters as you learn together and serve together in ministry. They are a very vital part of what we need in our lives. See my last post - https://learnliveloveshare.blogspot.com/2025/05/were-all-in-this-together-in-my-last.html

This group forms the support system that we so desperately need in difficult situations and the hard times we face. Without it, we will not only experience loneliness, but we will miss out on the much-needed prayer and love it brings.

It is also the place where we serve God together in evangelism through our local churches.

Next, we move on to the inner circle. This is a very small circle. It may be only 3 or 4 people. But these are the people you keep in touch with day by day. They know you and your heart. You can be vulnerable with them and share with them more than what you would share with your village or church community. You can laugh and cry with them.

They are determined to chase after God. They are faithful and faith filled.

You may have a few and they may not even know each other. And they’re often very different. They could be different ages or personalities. But one thing they have in common is that they are available. They are transparent. They will fight for you, alongside you and fight with you against sin. They are present. Physically and emotionally. And they are the ones you spend the most time with, outside of your family.

So, who do you have in your inner circle? Is their faith strong like the sick man’s friends who tore through a roof in order to see him healed?

Did you know that Jesus had an inner circle? Peter, James and John. The Bible does not say why Jesus chose Peter, James, and John as His inner circle. Possibly he was making a special effort to prepare these three for the leadership roles they would later occupy in the church.

These three men were present with Jesus during special events, being eyewitnesses of Jesus’ transfiguration (Mark 9), witnessing Jesus raise Jairus’s daughter from the dead (Luke 8), and they accompanied Him while He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane (Matthew 26). These three witnessed Jesus’ greatest moments of glory and also some of His darkest trials. They were His closest friends.

If Jesus needed an inner circle, how much more do we?

What is it that sets these levels of community and friendship apart? TIME. It comes down to how much time you spend with them.

We can’t skip the village/church community level and hope to magically find our people that will form our inner circle if we are not working on building community with our fellow believers.

So, in our lonely world, how do we rediscover the joy of deep connection?

One of the best ways is HOSPITALITY.

1 Peter 4:8-10 KJV - And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins. Use hospitality one to another without grudging. As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.

The believers in Acts met daily for prayer and shared meals. Daily is probably unrealistic to us, but the point is they spent time in each other’s homes. They were hospitable people.

Hospitality defined means: the act, practice or quality of receiving and entertaining strangers or guests in a friendly and generous way.

Notice in this verse in 1 Peter it says without grudging? Some translations will say without grumbling or murmuring. The Greek word literally translates to murmuring or muttering.

So, we’re not supposed to complain about being hospitable. We’re supposed to do it cheerfully.

But what if your house isn’t perfect? What if you’re not the best cook? IT DOESN’T MATTER! Your house doesn’t have to be perfect and neither does the food. Be friendly. Be generous. Have an attitude of love and let God’s light shine by doing it cheerfully.

Recently, we had a family over for dinner and I was frustrated that something I had made didn’t turn out as planned. I was told nicely by our guests, “We didn’t come for the food, we came for the fellowship”. A good reminder.

Read this quote from another favourite author of mine: “Living a life of welcome opening both your heart and your home means your stuff gets used. And reused. Over and over again. Your items get nicked and scratched your carpet and rugs and linens get stained. While this doesn't mean we don't try to make our surroundings pleasant, it does mean we learn to accept some degree of imperfection. Well used items often mean that we have loved well.” K.Ehman

Are you loving well? Does it show?

Okay, so let’s wrap this up with 7 points on how to build your community. Of course, this list is not exhaustive and there is much to be said and so much more to be added, but I pray that this will help get you started on the path to reconnection and community building.

1.        Notice who is already right in front of you: Look at who is in your church, your Bible study, your gym class, your neighbourhood or school. Could it be there are close friendships waiting there? Who is literally right in front of you?

Start viewing acquaintances as friends in the making. View them as potential friends. Look around at your church community. Who has God put in your life, here and now and right under your nose, that you haven’t connected with yet?

2.        Put yourself out there: Plan to go first. Don’t wait for someone else to initiate. Connection takes stepping out again and again. Sometimes you get tired of no one reciprocating. This may sound harsh, but here it is. GET OVER IT!

You will never have friends, and you will never build community if you’re not willing to consistently initiate. Be the one who reaches out. Get over the awkwardness of putting yourself out there. Jesus was an incredible initiator. He noticed people. He stopped for conversation. He even invited himself over for dinner and stated that he would abide (or dwell or stay) at a tax collectors house. (Luke 19)

3.        Start great conversations: Don’t be satisfied with only shallow, small talk. Yes, it’s important, it is the foundation for deeper conversations. But to have deeper conversations, you have to not only learn to listen but also learn the art of asking more intentional questions. Don’t be afraid to go deeper.

When someone shares something hard with you, sit with them and their feelings for a bit and don’t try and fix anything. Ask what it is they need right now. Share the real stuff. If you can’t go deep with someone, don’t get discouraged. Don’t quit. Give them space but keep trying with others until you find your people. Not everyone is ready for deep friendship.

4.        Talk about Jesus: This is so important. When we put Jesus at the centre of our relationships and when we talk about Jesus and how he is moving in our lives, our friendships are being built on something that lasts. When we see God in others, we see his character revealed and he becomes more beautiful to us.

Our conversations shouldn’t be void of Jesus. If we are both determined to chase after God, we won’t have time for pettiness and gossip and competition because we will be focused on becoming more like him and our friendships will be better for it. We need to consistently be sharing things we are learning from his Word.

5.        Be quick to forgive: (see this post -  https://learnliveloveshare.blogspot.com/2025/04/me.html) 

      We are all flawed, and we all hurt one another. We let one another down. We have disagreements. Accepting this fact should cause you to have grace for every other person who comes into your life. We have to show love and forgiveness. Keep short accounts. Don’t let anything fester and turn into bitterness.

6.        Do fun stuff together: We don’t just have to connect in a Bible study setting or church setting. Do a fun activity together. Find something in common to do that will help you let your hair down and laugh together. Maybe a trivia night. Bowling. Games night. It’s a great way to get to know people and who they really are.

Sometimes Christians are labelled as ‘boring’ because for some, they see having fun as a sin, thinking that we need to appear super spiritual at all times. But King Solomon lets us know that there is a time to laugh and it’s okay (Ecclesiastes 3:4)

7.        Be okay with only a few: It’s impossible to invest in dozens of deep, intentional relationships. We don’t have that capacity. We need to focus on the few. And yes, these few will change over the years as the seasons change. Remember that deep friendships take time and as life changes and distance separates us, so too does our closeness. This is not because of a lack of love, often it is because God is encouraging you to step up and pour into someone else’s life for a season.

Every one of us have people in our lives that need us and people we need. Are we intentionally spending time in both of those categories? It is costly to love people. It’s easier to just stay casual. Love takes risks. Love takes forgiveness and grace. Love takes effort, time and commitment. And because this is the cost of deep relationship, we don’t have the capacity and space to go deep with everyone. We have to become intentional with a few. (inner circle) And that’s okay. We don’t all have to be besties. But we do need to show love and compassion to all.

Let me close with this. Be careful not to isolate yourself from the very people God wants to use to help you grow. Look for your people in unexpected places. Life stage doesn’t matter. Age doesn’t matter. Find the people who are following hard after Jesus and then go and grow with them. Find a shared purpose. Working and serving together creates life-giving bonds.

Cultivating friendships and deepening relationships in our lives is not a luxury, IT’S A NECESSITY!

Thinking you can go through life and its struggles without close friends and community to hold you steady is like thinking you can go into battle without your armour!

Just because the ache of loneliness is real and so widespread in our society, doesn’t mean it has to be your reality. You have the power to flip the script and make meaningful connections. You were created for community. It’s not easy. But it’s worth it.

Will you allow yourself to need others and will you allow them to need you?

 

It’s your choice.

CHOOSE WISELY!