Me. Forgive
them?
(a brief summary
of a recent lesson on Forgiveness at Ladies Bible Study)
Maybe you
know exactly when it was the clock stopped in your life. The day when the hurt
was caused that began the downward spiral into bitterness and resentment that
has been eating you up inside ever since.
Or maybe
you’re not in that place but you just find it difficult to forgive.
You can’t
go through even one day without some hurt. Ignored. Overlooked. Put down. Told
off. Gossiped about. Let down. Many offences happen but how you respond or
react to them matters.
Forgiveness
is not our normal response to offenses. It is not our default.
But God
doesn’t call us to give a natural response. He calls us to give a
supernatural response. It is only possible through him.
Can I let
you in on a little secret. Forgiveness is not for the other person. Forgiveness
is for you!
Stay with
me and I’ll explain that in more detail soon.
Let me
first tell you what forgiveness is not.
Forgiveness is not necessarily reconciliation.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean we continue to place ourselves in harm’s way. We are
to forgive others for hurting us or others, but we don’t have to give them
unlimited opportunity to hurt again. Eg abuse. We don’t have to get back into
relationship with the person. Sometimes reconciliation is not possible.
Forgiveness is not the absence of pain. You are not
pretending that all is good. You are not necessarily forgetting. Only God can
forgive and forget. Pain will often still be present.
So, what is forgiveness?
Forgiveness is a conscious, deliberate decision
to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has
harmed you. It is an emotional and heartfelt process that involves putting
aside feelings of resentment toward an individual who has committed a wrong,
been unfair or hurtful, or otherwise harmed one in some way. Forgiveness is
showing mercy even when they don’t deserve it. Forgiveness is extending mercy even if they
are unaware of what they have done.
In Scripture, we see forgiveness portrayed perfectly by the
Lord Jesus Christ, as he lay down his life for us, promising not to put our
sins to our account, and casting our sins into the depths of the sea. (Micah
7:19) He forgave everyone of
us for all our sins for all of eternity. Past, present and future.
Christ
is our example of how to forgive.
As hard as
it is, our forgiveness should be in direct proportion to the amount we’ve been
forgiven. Jesus forgave all, and so should we. Easier said then done!
Ephesians
4:32 KJV - And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another,
even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
Love and
forgiveness go hand in hand. You can’t have one without the other.
1 Peter
4:8 KJV - And above all things have fervent charity (love) among
yourselves: for charity (love) shall cover the multitude of sins.
By
extending forgiveness and kindness, we reflect God’s heart and reveal his
character. It is a mark of Christian love. It is not optional in the
Christian walk. It is commanded. It’s not just a suggestion.
There are
so many examples in Scripture of forgiveness being played out. Here are just a
few.
Joseph –
Genesis 50 – Joseph forgave his brothers
Prodigal
Son – Luke 15 – The father forgave his son
Stephen –
Acts 7 – Stephen forgave his killers
Christ –
Luke 23 – Christ forgave us through his death on the cross
So, why is
forgiveness so important?
Let’s talk
about unforgiveness.
Put
bluntly: UNFORGIVENESS IS SIN.
We often
focus on the so called “big” sins – adultery, murder, stealing etc and we
minimise the ‘emotional’ sins like unforgiveness, anger, jealousy,
malice etc.
I make
no apology for saying this: IT IS ALL SIN! However we see it, God sees it as sin.
Why is
unforgiveness so bad?
Why do we need to get rid of it out of our lives? Why do we need to develop
forgiveness in our hearts and lives?
1.
It is sin.
It is just as bad as the big sins
2.
It hinders your prayers. When you sin, you don’t lose your salvation, but it affects
your relationship, fellowship and intimacy with God. Psalm 66:18 KJV - If I
regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear me:
3.
It angers and hurts God’s heart. Parable of the talents - Matthew 18:34-35
KJV - And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he
should pay all that was due unto him. So likewise shall my heavenly Father do
also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their
trespasses.
4.
It breaks down your fellowship with God
5.
It destroys your personal relationships
We can’t
talk about forgiveness without talking about bitterness.
Remember at
the start of this lesson, I said:
Forgiveness
is not for the other person. Forgiveness is for you!
Let me
expound on this a little.
Hebrews
12:14-15 KJV - Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no
man shall see the Lord: Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of
God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many
be defiled;
In
Ephesians 4 the apostle Paul talks about offenses and how we should deal with
them. He speaks of lying, anger, stealing, working with our hands, corrupt
communication and then he tells us not to grieve the Holy Spirit.
And what is
one of the ways we can keep from grieving the Holy Spirit? By putting
bitterness away from us.
Ephesians
4:30-32 KJV - And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are
sealed unto the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger,
and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And
be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as
God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
Not only is
bitterness dangerous as a root that grows, but when we continue in unforgiveness,
we are giving the Devil an opening to work. We are swinging the door wide open and
letting him in!
Ephesians
4:26-27 KJV - Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your
wrath: Neither give place to the devil.
The Greek
word for place in this verse is translated: opportunity, power, occasion for
acting. Food for thought!
In Hebrews
and in Romans, we are commanded to live peaceably with all men and to follow
peace.
Did you
know that bitterness has many side effects?
*Changes
personality and self-image- it becomes part of your character and you
develop a victim mentality
*Breeds
cynicism and paranoia – you become so self-protective you view the world differently,
so it affects your relationships
*Stops
the clock on your life. The hurt keeps you trapped in the past. You can’t
live fully in the present.
*Wastes
time and energy- by reliving the past and replaying the event.
Let’s go
back and take a look at Hebrews 12:15.. lest any root of bitterness
springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled;
The Greek
word for bitterness is pikria. It means extreme wickedness. Poison.
Hatred. A bitter root producing bitter fruit. It’s not a pleasant thing to have
in your life.
Bitterness
is a root. It may stay hidden under the surface for a time, but it will eventually
spring up and trouble you.
That word
defiled means “contaminated, polluted”. Many will be defiled. That
means you too.
People who
are bitter become hard and cold and depressed and negative and hard to live
with.
They say
that an animal that is wounded is the most dangerous. Wounded people who don’t
receive God’s grace and stay bitter often become wounders of other people. With
their actions. Attitudes. Words.
HURT
people, HURT people. It
really is true. If you are around a bitter person, the hurt that lives inside
them needs to find an outlet, and more often than not, it’s going to come out
in words of hurt.
You can’t
walk in true fellowship with God and others if you refuse to forgive. There is
no freedom and no peace.
Unforgiveness
is sin. Bitterness is sin.
“Unforgiveness is like drinking
poison and expecting someone else to die”
Forgiveness
means letting go of the anger and resentment and thoughts of revenge and
letting go of the bitterness you’re holding on to. When you do this, it will
free you from the heavy burden of bitterness and bring the peace that your soul
needs. That’s why I say that forgiveness is for you.
You may be
the one wronged, but when you choose to forgive, a burden is lifted, and you
are able to live the abundant life God has promised.
All you’re doing
by choosing to live in bitterness, is giving the other person control over your
own happiness and joy and peace of mind. By extending grace and choosing to
forgive, you will experience God’s help over your life. Emotionally. Physically.
Mentally. Spiritually.
If we are
going to reflect God’s character, we have to show love and compassion like
Christ did. When we forgive, we reflect God’s character. Our forgiveness shows
the grace and mercy we’ve been given.
It doesn’t
mean forgetting or accepting wrong, it’s about letting go of resentment and
choosing healing and restoration.
We are
choosing to break the cycle of hurt. We are letting go of negative emotions to
enable us to live happier, more fulfilling lives.
Forgiveness
is a choice to follow and obey God’s Word. It is an act of love, and it is a
choice to extend the same grace to them that God gives to us.
Forgiveness
shows the love of Christ in us.
I would be
remiss if I didn’t give you a few practical tips on how to go about extending
forgiveness. There is so much to be said on this topic, and I haven’t even
begun to scratch the surface, but I want to leave you with 4 little take-aways that
I pray will help you if you are struggling in this area of forgiveness.
1.
Trust God to deal with them - Romans 12:17a – Recompense (pay) to no man evil for evil.
Romans 12:19 KJV - Dearly
beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is
written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.
When we hold onto anger and resentment, we are saying we don’t trust
God. We don’t trust God knows what’s going on. We don’t trust him to deal with
it. We take matters into our own hands, and we try to give them what they
deserve. Give it to God. He is a righteous judge. Forgiveness requires
relinquishing your control and giving it over to him to deal with.
2.
Clearly communicate your pain to the person who has wronged you. – Sometimes they are clueless.
The benefit of this is it releases you from the burden you’ve been
carrying. It can also help the other person not commit the same offence to
someone else. It opens up the door to reconciliation if possible and
restoration of relationship.
3.
Pray for those who hurt you – It’s hard to stay hating those you pray for.
When you begin to pray God’s blessing instead of cursing over someone, it
will change your perspective. Matthew 5:44 KJV - But I say unto you, Love
your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray
for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
Proverbs 24:17 KJV - Rejoice not
when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth:
4.
Stop talking negatively about them – When we do this, we are defaming their
character without them being present to defend themselves. Look for the
good and refuse to speak badly about them.
James 4:11, 17 KJV - Speak not evil one of another, brethren. He
that speaketh evil of his brother, and judgeth his brother, speaketh evil of
the law, and judgeth the law: but if thou judge the law, thou art not a doer of
the law, but a judge. ... Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth
it not, to him it is sin.
When you forgive, you don’t change the past,
but you change the future.
“Forgiveness
is unlocking the door to set someone free,
then realising that someone was you”
The following is an excerpt from “The Hiding
Place” by Corrie Ten Boom.
An excellent example of true forgiveness.
It was in a church in Munich that I saw him, a balding
heavyset man in a gray overcoat, a brown felt hat clutched between his hands.
People were filing out of the basement room where I had just spoken, moving
along the rows of wooden chairs to the door at the rear.
It was 1947 and I had come from Holland to defeated
Germany with the message that God forgives.
It was the truth they needed most to hear in that bitter,
bombed-out land, and I gave them my favourite mental picture. Maybe because the
sea is never far from a Hollander’s mind, I liked to think that that’s where
forgiven sins were thrown.
“When we confess our sins,” I said, “God casts them into
the deepest ocean, gone forever.”
The solemn faces stared back at me, not quite daring to
believe. There were never questions after a talk in Germany in 1947. People
stood up in silence, in silence collected their wraps, in silence left the
room.
And that’s when I saw him, working his way forward
against the others. One moment I saw the overcoat and the brown hat; the next,
a blue uniform and a visored cap with its skull and crossbones.
It came back with a rush: the huge room with its harsh
overhead lights, the pathetic pile of dresses and shoes in the centre of the
floor, the shame of walking naked past this man. I could see my sister’s frail
form ahead of me, ribs sharp beneath the parchment skin. Betsie, how thin you
were!
Betsie and I had been arrested for concealing Jews in our
home during the Nazi occupation of Holland; this man had been a guard at
Ravensbrück concentration camp where we were sent.
Now he was in front of me, hand thrust out: “A fine
message, fräulein! How good it is to know that, as you say, all our sins
are at the bottom of the sea!”
And I, who had spoken so glibly of forgiveness, fumbled
in my pocketbook rather than take that hand. He would not remember me, of course–how
could he remember one prisoner among those thousands of women?
But I remembered him and the leather crop swinging from
his belt. It was the first time since my release that I had been face to face
with one of my captors and my blood seemed to freeze.
“You mentioned Ravensbrück in your talk,” he was saying.
“I was a guard in there.” No, he did not remember me.
“But since that time,” he went on, “I have become a
Christian. I know that God has forgiven me for the cruel things I did there,
but I would like to hear it from your lips as well. Fräulein”–again the
hand came out–“will you forgive me?”
And I stood there–I whose sins had every day to be
forgiven–and could not. Betsie had died in that place–could he erase her slow
terrible death simply for the asking?
It could not have been many seconds that he stood there,
hand held out, but to me it seemed hours as I wrestled with the most difficult
thing I had ever had to do.
For I had to do it–I knew that. The message that God
forgives has a prior condition: that we forgive those who have injured us. “If
you do not forgive men their trespasses,” Jesus says, “neither will your Father
in heaven forgive your trespasses.”
I knew it not only as a commandment of God, but as a
daily experience. Since the end of the war I had had a home in Holland for
victims of Nazi brutality.
Those who were able to forgive their former enemies were
able also to return to the outside world and rebuild their lives, no matter
what the physical scars. Those who nursed their bitterness remained invalids.
It was as simple and as horrible as that.
And still I stood there with the coldness clutching my
heart. But forgiveness is not an emotion–I knew that too. Forgiveness is an act
of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the
heart.
“Jesus, help me!” I prayed silently. “I can lift my hand.
I can do that much. You supply the feeling.”
And so woodenly, mechanically, I thrust my hand into the
one stretched out to me. And as I did, an incredible thing took place. The
current started in my shoulder, raced down my arm, sprang into our joined
hands. And then this healing warmth seemed to flood my whole being, bringing
tears to my eyes.
“I forgive you, brother!” I cried. “With all my heart!”
For a long moment we grasped each other’s hands, the
former guard and the former prisoner. I had never known God’s love so intensely
as I did then.
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