Me. Forgive them?

(a brief summary of a recent lesson on Forgiveness at Ladies Bible Study)

 

Maybe you know exactly when it was the clock stopped in your life. The day when the hurt was caused that began the downward spiral into bitterness and resentment that has been eating you up inside ever since.

Or maybe you’re not in that place but you just find it difficult to forgive.

You can’t go through even one day without some hurt. Ignored. Overlooked. Put down. Told off. Gossiped about. Let down. Many offences happen but how you respond or react to them matters.

Forgiveness is not our normal response to offenses. It is not our default.

But God doesn’t call us to give a natural response. He calls us to give a supernatural response. It is only possible through him.

Can I let you in on a little secret. Forgiveness is not for the other person. Forgiveness is for you!

Stay with me and I’ll explain that in more detail soon.

Let me first tell you what forgiveness is not.

Forgiveness is not necessarily reconciliation. Forgiveness doesn’t mean we continue to place ourselves in harm’s way. We are to forgive others for hurting us or others, but we don’t have to give them unlimited opportunity to hurt again. Eg abuse. We don’t have to get back into relationship with the person. Sometimes reconciliation is not possible.

Forgiveness is not the absence of pain. You are not pretending that all is good. You are not necessarily forgetting. Only God can forgive and forget. Pain will often still be present.

So, what is forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you. It is an emotional and heartfelt process that involves putting aside feelings of resentment toward an individual who has committed a wrong, been unfair or hurtful, or otherwise harmed one in some way. Forgiveness is showing mercy even when they don’t deserve it.  Forgiveness is extending mercy even if they are unaware of what they have done.

In Scripture, we see forgiveness portrayed perfectly by the Lord Jesus Christ, as he lay down his life for us, promising not to put our sins to our account, and casting our sins into the depths of the sea. (Micah 7:19) He forgave everyone of us for all our sins for all of eternity. Past, present and future.

Christ is our example of how to forgive.

As hard as it is, our forgiveness should be in direct proportion to the amount we’ve been forgiven. Jesus forgave all, and so should we. Easier said then done!

Ephesians 4:32 KJV - And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

Love and forgiveness go hand in hand. You can’t have one without the other.

1 Peter 4:8 KJV - And above all things have fervent charity (love) among yourselves: for charity (love) shall cover the multitude of sins.

By extending forgiveness and kindness, we reflect God’s heart and reveal his character. It is a mark of Christian love. It is not optional in the Christian walk. It is commanded. It’s not just a suggestion.

There are so many examples in Scripture of forgiveness being played out. Here are just a few.

Joseph – Genesis 50 – Joseph forgave his brothers

Prodigal Son – Luke 15 – The father forgave his son

Stephen – Acts 7 – Stephen forgave his killers

Christ – Luke 23 – Christ forgave us through his death on the cross

So, why is forgiveness so important?

Let’s talk about unforgiveness.

Put bluntly: UNFORGIVENESS IS SIN.

We often focus on the so called “big” sins – adultery, murder, stealing etc and we minimise the ‘emotional’ sins like unforgiveness, anger, jealousy, malice etc.

I make no apology for saying this: IT IS ALL SIN! However we see it, God sees it as sin.

Why is unforgiveness so bad? Why do we need to get rid of it out of our lives? Why do we need to develop forgiveness in our hearts and lives?

1.        It is sin. It is just as bad as the big sins

2.        It hinders your prayers.  When you sin, you don’t lose your salvation, but it affects your relationship, fellowship and intimacy with God. Psalm 66:18 KJV - If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear me:

3.        It angers and hurts God’s heart. Parable of the talents - Matthew 18:34-35 KJV - And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.

4.        It breaks down your fellowship with God

5.        It destroys your personal relationships

We can’t talk about forgiveness without talking about bitterness.

Remember at the start of this lesson, I said:

Forgiveness is not for the other person. Forgiveness is for you!  

Let me expound on this a little.

Hebrews 12:14-15 KJV - Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord: Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled;

In Ephesians 4 the apostle Paul talks about offenses and how we should deal with them. He speaks of lying, anger, stealing, working with our hands, corrupt communication and then he tells us not to grieve the Holy Spirit.

And what is one of the ways we can keep from grieving the Holy Spirit? By putting bitterness away from us.

Ephesians 4:30-32 KJV - And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

Not only is bitterness dangerous as a root that grows, but when we continue in unforgiveness, we are giving the Devil an opening to work. We are swinging the door wide open and letting him in!

Ephesians 4:26-27 KJV - Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil.

The Greek word for place in this verse is translated: opportunity, power, occasion for acting. Food for thought!

In Hebrews and in Romans, we are commanded to live peaceably with all men and to follow peace.  

Did you know that bitterness has many side effects?

*Changes personality and self-image- it becomes part of your character and you develop a victim mentality

*Breeds cynicism and paranoia – you become so self-protective you view the world differently, so it affects your relationships

*Stops the clock on your life. The hurt keeps you trapped in the past. You can’t live fully in the present.

*Wastes time and energy- by reliving the past and replaying the event.

Let’s go back and take a look at Hebrews 12:15.. lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled;

The Greek word for bitterness is pikria. It means extreme wickedness. Poison. Hatred. A bitter root producing bitter fruit. It’s not a pleasant thing to have in your life.

Bitterness is a root. It may stay hidden under the surface for a time, but it will eventually spring up and trouble you.

That word defiled means “contaminated, polluted”. Many will be defiled. That means you too.

People who are bitter become hard and cold and depressed and negative and hard to live with.

They say that an animal that is wounded is the most dangerous. Wounded people who don’t receive God’s grace and stay bitter often become wounders of other people. With their actions. Attitudes. Words.

HURT people, HURT people. It really is true. If you are around a bitter person, the hurt that lives inside them needs to find an outlet, and more often than not, it’s going to come out in words of hurt.

You can’t walk in true fellowship with God and others if you refuse to forgive. There is no freedom and no peace.

Unforgiveness is sin. Bitterness is sin.

“Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die”

Forgiveness means letting go of the anger and resentment and thoughts of revenge and letting go of the bitterness you’re holding on to. When you do this, it will free you from the heavy burden of bitterness and bring the peace that your soul needs. That’s why I say that forgiveness is for you.

You may be the one wronged, but when you choose to forgive, a burden is lifted, and you are able to live the abundant life God has promised.

All you’re doing by choosing to live in bitterness, is giving the other person control over your own happiness and joy and peace of mind. By extending grace and choosing to forgive, you will experience God’s help over your life. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally. Spiritually.

If we are going to reflect God’s character, we have to show love and compassion like Christ did. When we forgive, we reflect God’s character. Our forgiveness shows the grace and mercy we’ve been given.

It doesn’t mean forgetting or accepting wrong, it’s about letting go of resentment and choosing healing and restoration.

We are choosing to break the cycle of hurt. We are letting go of negative emotions to enable us to live happier, more fulfilling lives.

Forgiveness is a choice to follow and obey God’s Word. It is an act of love, and it is a choice to extend the same grace to them that God gives to us.

Forgiveness shows the love of Christ in us.

I would be remiss if I didn’t give you a few practical tips on how to go about extending forgiveness. There is so much to be said on this topic, and I haven’t even begun to scratch the surface, but I want to leave you with 4 little take-aways that I pray will help you if you are struggling in this area of forgiveness.

1.        Trust God to deal with them - Romans 12:17a – Recompense (pay) to no man evil for evil.

 Romans 12:19 KJV - Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

When we hold onto anger and resentment, we are saying we don’t trust God. We don’t trust God knows what’s going on. We don’t trust him to deal with it. We take matters into our own hands, and we try to give them what they deserve. Give it to God. He is a righteous judge. Forgiveness requires relinquishing your control and giving it over to him to deal with.

2.        Clearly communicate your pain to the person who has wronged you. – Sometimes they are clueless.

The benefit of this is it releases you from the burden you’ve been carrying. It can also help the other person not commit the same offence to someone else. It opens up the door to reconciliation if possible and restoration of relationship.

3.        Pray for those who hurt you – It’s hard to stay hating those you pray for. When you begin to pray God’s blessing instead of cursing over someone, it will change your perspective. Matthew 5:44 KJV - But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

 Proverbs 24:17 KJV - Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth:

4.        Stop talking negatively about them – When we do this, we are defaming their character without them being present to defend themselves. Look for the good and refuse to speak badly about them.

James 4:11, 17 KJV - Speak not evil one of another, brethren. He that speaketh evil of his brother, and judgeth his brother, speaketh evil of the law, and judgeth the law: but if thou judge the law, thou art not a doer of the law, but a judge. ... Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.

 

When you forgive, you don’t change the past, but you change the future.

 

“Forgiveness is unlocking the door to set someone free,

 then realising that someone was you”

 

The following is an excerpt from “The Hiding Place” by Corrie Ten Boom.

An excellent example of true forgiveness.

 

It was in a church in Munich that I saw him, a balding heavyset man in a gray overcoat, a brown felt hat clutched between his hands. People were filing out of the basement room where I had just spoken, moving along the rows of wooden chairs to the door at the rear.

It was 1947 and I had come from Holland to defeated Germany with the message that God forgives.

It was the truth they needed most to hear in that bitter, bombed-out land, and I gave them my favourite mental picture. Maybe because the sea is never far from a Hollander’s mind, I liked to think that that’s where forgiven sins were thrown.

“When we confess our sins,” I said, “God casts them into the deepest ocean, gone forever.”

The solemn faces stared back at me, not quite daring to believe. There were never questions after a talk in Germany in 1947. People stood up in silence, in silence collected their wraps, in silence left the room.

And that’s when I saw him, working his way forward against the others. One moment I saw the overcoat and the brown hat; the next, a blue uniform and a visored cap with its skull and crossbones.

It came back with a rush: the huge room with its harsh overhead lights, the pathetic pile of dresses and shoes in the centre of the floor, the shame of walking naked past this man. I could see my sister’s frail form ahead of me, ribs sharp beneath the parchment skin. Betsie, how thin you were!

Betsie and I had been arrested for concealing Jews in our home during the Nazi occupation of Holland; this man had been a guard at Ravensbrück concentration camp where we were sent.

Now he was in front of me, hand thrust out: “A fine message, fräulein! How good it is to know that, as you say, all our sins are at the bottom of the sea!”

And I, who had spoken so glibly of forgiveness, fumbled in my pocketbook rather than take that hand. He would not remember me, of course–how could he remember one prisoner among those thousands of women?

But I remembered him and the leather crop swinging from his belt. It was the first time since my release that I had been face to face with one of my captors and my blood seemed to freeze.

“You mentioned Ravensbrück in your talk,” he was saying. “I was a guard in there.” No, he did not remember me.

“But since that time,” he went on, “I have become a Christian. I know that God has forgiven me for the cruel things I did there, but I would like to hear it from your lips as well. Fräulein”–again the hand came out–“will you forgive me?”

And I stood there–I whose sins had every day to be forgiven–and could not. Betsie had died in that place–could he erase her slow terrible death simply for the asking?

It could not have been many seconds that he stood there, hand held out, but to me it seemed hours as I wrestled with the most difficult thing I had ever had to do.

For I had to do it–I knew that. The message that God forgives has a prior condition: that we forgive those who have injured us. “If you do not forgive men their trespasses,” Jesus says, “neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.”

I knew it not only as a commandment of God, but as a daily experience. Since the end of the war I had had a home in Holland for victims of Nazi brutality.

Those who were able to forgive their former enemies were able also to return to the outside world and rebuild their lives, no matter what the physical scars. Those who nursed their bitterness remained invalids. It was as simple and as horrible as that.

And still I stood there with the coldness clutching my heart. But forgiveness is not an emotion–I knew that too. Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.

“Jesus, help me!” I prayed silently. “I can lift my hand. I can do that much. You supply the feeling.”

And so woodenly, mechanically, I thrust my hand into the one stretched out to me. And as I did, an incredible thing took place. The current started in my shoulder, raced down my arm, sprang into our joined hands. And then this healing warmth seemed to flood my whole being, bringing tears to my eyes.

“I forgive you, brother!” I cried. “With all my heart!”

For a long moment we grasped each other’s hands, the former guard and the former prisoner. I had never known God’s love so intensely as I did then.