Do we have to study together?

Sometimes when God lays something on my heart, I am not always sure whether or not I should share it. Often, the topic comes up again and again through conversation, or social media, and although it may seem clear, it is not always an indicator of the need to pursue it further in the form of a blog post. Sometimes, it is just something I need to think on and pray about and work on more.

But, after praying about it some more, I really feel like this is something I should share with you in the hopes that it will be an encouragement to you and a help in your walk with the Lord.

I am mainly speaking to wives or soon-to-be wives here, but please don’t let that stop you from reading as you may be able to pass it on to someone else and be a help to them.

I have been married for 28 years (this past May) and I have a confession to make.

My husband and I don’t do ‘devotions’ together. That’s right. We don’t have a time where we sit down on a daily basis, and study God’s Word together.

In the first few years of our marriage, life was so busy with little ones and church ministry that I didn’t really give it much thought. But as the years went by, I began to feel the guilt creep in.

I felt that in order for my husband to be the ‘spiritual leader’ in our home, he should not only be leading devotions with our children, but also taking time to study the Word with me.

Somewhere along the way, I don’t know where from, the pressure was felt that this was what all Godly Chrisitan couples should do.

In order for us to have a good and Godly marriage, we had to do our devotions together and learn together.

Now, hear me out. Don’t scroll away. Stay with me.

We, as a married couple, do need to be in the Word and we do need to speak of what we’re learning. We do need to ask questions and discuss the subjects we read in the Bible. We do need to make sure we’re on the same page in our doctrinal beliefs and theologies, we do need to be continually sharing what God is teaching us, but here is the mind-blowing part.

You don’t have to study together in order to achieve this!

You don’t have to physically sit down together, lay out your Bibles, notebooks etc and do a study together.

I read something recently that seemed to sum up what I had been thinking all along but wasn’t sure how to articulate it. It managed to clear up some questions I had in my mind.

Can I encourage you with some things to consider that were pointed out to me?

When it comes to studying with your spouse, did you realise that we all, not just the men, but all of us, have different learning styles?

Our husbands will almost inevitably not learn the same way as us wives. Yet, so often, they are expected to interact with their Bible and study the same way.

And often, the pressure comes from us. We think, that if they don’t have their notebooks out, their pens, their commentaries, their study books, that they are not studying. How can they possibly be studying by just reading their Bible? What? Without a highlighter in sight?

I jest, I know, but isn’t it the truth sometimes?

Take for example, me for instance. When I do my morning quiet time, I like to study with multiple books, my Bible, a pen, a highlighter, a notebook, my Bible app that allows me to look up the Greek and Hebrew words and preferably a cup of tea as well. Just the other day, my daughter remarked to me that she was sure my pile of study things was growing and encroaching on the kitchen bench space.

My husband, on the other hand, reads his Bible on his phone. Simple. Just like that.

Now, of course, if he is studying to preach or teach, he will most definitely have more resources, but just for daily reading, he doesn’t need all that stuff.

Different, yes. Wrong, no.

If you have children, you will know that they are different, and they learn differently. You only have to homeschool a firstborn and then begin to school the second born, and you will have your eyes well and truly opened to their different learning styles.

Then, why do we pressure our husbands, or why does our Christian culture pressure us to fit a mold God never intended us to fit?

You know, if we just took the pressure off ourselves and sought the Lord voluntarily, without being forced into it because of ideals placed upon us by others, we would feel so much more freedom in our study of the Word.

So, not only are our learning styles different, but so are our time schedules.

When you have little ones, or you or your husband have a full-time job, there is bound to be some time conflict. Let’s be practical here. If your husband starts work at 7 and needs to be up by 6 and you’ve been up most of the night with a newborn, sitting down at a quarter past 6 in the morning to study the Word together is not going to work.

On the other hand, maybe you’re an early bird and he’s a night owl and the times you find yourself most alert and awake are at different ends of the day.

Let me just say something here to the ones who are going to jump up and down about ‘having’ to spend time with the Lord in the morning or you’re disobeying scripture.

Yes, it’s good to be in the Word before you start your day, but the Bible also says to be in the Word at different times of the day and to meditate on it.

Psalm 1:2 KJV - But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.

Joshua 1:8 KJV - This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.

Psalm 55:17 KJV - Evening, and morning, and at noon, will I pray, and cry aloud: and he shall hear my voice.

It’s not about what time of day you read the Word, it’s about whether you’re in the Word at all! It’s all about how often you are in the Word. It’s about your personal relationship with the Lord.

Your time with the Lord should be a blessing and a joy and it should be done when you are most alert and able to take in what you’re reading. Whether that is morning or night is immaterial. What is important is that you take the time to do it. So, don’t beat yourself up about it, don’t make excuses. Find a time that works for you and just do it!

Seeking God and being in his Word is not and should not be a chore. It shouldn’t be a checklist. Yes, if you’re following a reading plan, you will check it off your list, but if you are only reading to colour in the squares for some continuity, then you’ve got it all wrong.

We should be studying the Word because we love it and its author.

Psalm 119:97 KJV - O how love I thy law! it is my meditation all the day.

So, back to this topic of joint devotions. I think the important thing is that you and your husband are studying the Word of God separately, and then bringing up what you’re learning in general conversation, over coffee and on the road or as you lay in bed at night.

I am sad to say that for too many years I didn’t have the desire to dig deeper into the Word and so denied my husband the joy of sharing precious truths and deeper thoughts found in Scripture. But I am well and truly making up for that now.

We have had some really good, long conversations on the road when the truck run is hours and hours long. We have spent time discussing hard topics over coffee. We’ve talked over questions I have in regard to a lesson I’m teaching while we lay in bed at night.

In doing this, and by discussing our faith, we are sharpening one another and learning from one another and teaching one another without the burden of feeling pressured to study together at a set time or place.

So, listen up wives. If you are pressuring your husband to have ‘devotions’ with you in order to be the strong, spiritual leader you want him to be, then stop it. Just stop it. Lay aside your ideals of how you think he should seek God and let him seek God his way.

Yes, you should be concerned if your husband is not in the Word at all, but no amount of nagging is going to help that situation. Prayer and faithfulness to him and to the Lord will be the thing that draws him back to God.

Don’t try and make him fit into your mold of learning and studying, don’t put unrealistic expectations on him and you will both be happier, and you just might find that you have deeper conversations on spiritual things then ever before!

And to the young ladies out there, still waiting for your knight in shining armour to appear and carry you off on his splendent white steed, don’t build up an idea in your mind of what married life should look like and how you are going to pour over the Scriptures together every morning as you sip your morning lattes, candles burning dimly, soft music playing, pens and highlighters in attendance, pretty notebooks laid out neatly. You will be in for a rude awakening.

Find a man who has a heart for God, a love and desire for God so strong that you have to run to catch up. And then, let him study the Word of God his way. Give him the freedom to take joy in his personal study and let him open up to you in his time. If you let him dig into the Word on his own, he will be better able to discuss things with you as he will have had all the time in the world to process what he’s learning and be better able to share it with you.

We are all, as believers, in this process of sanctification and we are all a work in progress. Stay faithful to God, learn from him, talk to him, read his Word and let God do the work in your husband. Release him from the pressure to be the ideal spiritual leader. Most probably, he already is. You are just too blind to see it because of your expectations.

Be the woman God wants you to be and let God work on everything and everyone else! Husband included!

Ephesians 5:22-27 KJV - Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.