Sit in Silence – Give them your presence

Allow me, if you will, to preach to myself a little sermon today. I pray that you will get something out of what God has been showing me this morning and that I won’t be the only attendee being preached at as I sit before the Word of God, humbly being rebuked and convicted by the warning we find here in this verse.

Proverbs 25:20 KJV - As he that taketh away a garment in cold weather, and as vinegar upon nitre, so is he that singeth songs to an heavy heart.

Can I tell you something that I am often guilty of? Although I am an avid student of God’s Word, I am by no means perfect and God continually reveals to me through the mirror of his Word, the dirt upon my face.

In this interesting verse in Proverbs, we see a strange word of caution. We are warned against ‘singing songs to a heavy heart’.

Now, I am always interested in references to music or singing or praise in the Bible so naturally this verse warranted more study.

And here’s my guilty secret. More often than not, I sing songs to heavy hearts.

Why is it that we as Christians fail so often in this area of knowing how to deal with those that are hurting, grieving, aching and heavy hearted?

We see someone with anxiety or depression, or we see someone working through the grieving process due to the loss of a loved one or struggling with difficulties or hardships in their life, and we slap a prayer band aid on their open wound. We tell them ‘I’ll pray for you’. We offer Christian platitudes like, ‘God is in control’ or ‘Just trust God’ or ‘God’s got this’ or ‘There’s a reason for everything’ etc.

Now, don’t get me wrong, these things are true, and prayer is of utmost importance, and we definitely need to be bringing everything to God with heartfelt sincerity. But these little things we say, although said with the best of intentions, are usually said when we don’t know what else to say and they have the reverse effect on the one suffering and are not often helpful.

In this Proverb we see mention of vinegar and nitre. Why is this so significant? Let me unpack this verse a little before I give you some examples in Scripture that I hope will show more clearly the point I am trying to make.

Proverbs 25:20b KJV …..and as vinegar upon nitre, so is he that singeth songs to an heavy heart.

The word ‘nitre’ used in this verse is not a word I’ve ever used. In the Hebrew it is the word neter. The meaning of this is basically soda. As in sodium carbonate, or bicarb soda. It was also referred to as ‘washing soda’ and we see the only other reference to it in Jeremiah 2:22.

This chemical was obtained from the dry lake beds or other natural sources and was used for cleaning and preserving, but today we most commonly use it in baking. If you’ve ever poured vinegar onto a pile of soda, you will have seen the reaction that the two make. It is a very energetic reaction, but little else. The two elements neutralize and destroy one another. Both the vinegar and the soda are lost and there is not much left, and what is left is not useful.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

The image is one of counter-productivity and insensitivity. When we use simple sayings to comfort someone in need or when we offer a simple song, it’s often ineffective.

Don’t get me wrong. I will be the first to tell you that music has power and songs can be healing. I have often comforted myself with Godly worship songs and they have spoken to me and touched me deeply and brought peace to my soul but if all we offer is a song to a heavy heart, then we are failing.

It can have the effect of vinegar on soda. An energetic reaction with no lasting results. It may bring a moment of peace and comfort, but in the long run, more is needed.

I think we as Christians need more than anything to become more fluent in the ministry of just being with others in their heartache. Sitting in the silence with them.

Come with me to look at a man in the Old Testament who had some friends that knew what it meant to sit in silence with one who suffered.

This man was Job.

In chapter one of the book of Job, we read about the misfortune that befell him as he lost all that he held dear. And then we come to chapter 2. Here, Job is struck down with painful boils from head to toe.

After hearing of all that Job was going through, 3 of his friends came to be with him.

Job 2:11 KJV - Now when Job's three friends heard of all this evil that was come upon him, they came every one from his own place; Eliphaz the Temanite, and Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite: for they had made an appointment together to come to mourn with him and to comfort him.

Job 2:12 KJV - And when they lifted up their eyes afar off, and knew him not, they lifted up their voice, and wept; and they rent every one his mantle, and sprinkled dust upon their heads toward heaven.

Job 2:13 KJV - So they sat down with him upon the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spake a word unto him: for they saw that his grief was very great.

We read that the friends came to mourn with him and to comfort him. But even before they reached him, they wept loudly on his behalf. They had sympathy first. They grieved for all Job was going through, but their sympathy turned to compassion when they came and sat with him.

Now maybe, like myself, you find this sitting in silence with him for seven days a little odd. But you have to remember the period in history and the cultural setting we find this story in.

In Ancient Eastern culture, sitting on the ground with someone was a sign of mourning and solidarity. Job’s friends demonstrated their love and compassion by physically lowering themselves to the ground and sharing in his grief. We see this referenced again in Lamentations 2:10 and Genesis 50:10.

This period of seven days and seven nights was significant in Biblical terms. Not only did they sit with Job, but they sat in silence. “none spake a word unto him: for they saw that his grief was very great.”

I don’t know about you, but if I’m going to sit with someone and comfort them, I am going to speak! And I’m going to speak A LOT! It’s my way of dealing with the problem.

But in this culture, this was not how it was done. It was etiquette not to speak to a person in deep suffering until they gave the indication they were ready to speak or be spoken to.

And you see, in the very next chapter, Job begins to speak. And speak he does. For 26 whole verses. After this, and only after this, do Job’s friends finally speak. And we know the story, that it all went downhill from there.

Unfortunately, Job’s comforters did more harm than good once they began to speak.

Silence in the face of suffering can be a profound form of support. In Ecclesiastes 3 we read that there is ‘time to keep silence and a time to speak’. Job’s friends’ initial silence was motivated by the intensity of Job’s suffering. They realised the gravity of the situation and used their silence as a source of comfort.

This is something that I am not well schooled in, and I have a lot to learn in this area.

Sometimes the best way to support someone in pain is simply to be present.

“Silence can be a powerful tool in comforting others, allowing space for the grieving person to process their emotions without pressure to respond.”

In the New Testament, we see that the Apostle Paul understood that there was a time to rejoice and a time to weep.

Romans 12:15 KJV – Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.

Only an insensitive person tries to rejoice with someone who is weeping. I know that often I try and be light-hearted and upbeat as if somehow, I can force a change in mood and yes, sometimes it works. But often, the best thing to do is to sit in silence and possibly weep with the one suffering.

If we are wise, we will understand when rejoicing is appropriate and when weeping is what is needed.

Maintaining a positive, cheerful attitude and having a heart of thankfulness and joy is a good thing and often can have an encouraging effect on those who are discouraged or hurting, but we need to combine optimism with empathy and understanding. READ THE ROOM!

I know, through painful experience of my own, that when you are burdened with a heavy heart, feeling down and depressed, for someone to disregard the depth of your anguish and simply whistle a happy tune or sing a song over you is thoughtless. It’s like vinegar on soda.

Sometimes you just need to empathize with the person. Sit and listen to their heartache and agree that yes, life is hard. Bad things happen. Sickness is not fun. Grief is painful.

Sometimes it’s best to just offer your presence, while keeping your mouth shut!

It’s definitely not an easy ask.

Do you remember when Lazarus died, and Jesus came to Mary and Martha and wept along with them? (John 11) He first empathized with them and took time to mourn with them, and then he put action to his sympathy.

In Matthew 26 when Jesus went into the Garden of Gethsemane under great heaviness of heart and sorrowing, he asked his disciples to be with him. He wanted them to be present. To watch and pray.

It’s hard to sit in silence and not sing our songs to those with a heavy heart. Most of us are problem solvers and we just want to give a solution.

Sometimes by jumping in too soon with our ‘words of wisdom’ we often shortcut the process that needs to be gone through to get to the place that needs to be reached, and we simply need to sit and listen.

I am most definitely NOT the authority on this topic and I’m still in the process of learning how to do this well, but if the Word of God gives us a warning, we need to heed it.

At this very moment, my oldest daughter is going through another round of chemo treatments for a cancer that has returned. It is not a pleasant thing for a parent to watch their child suffer and I long to have words of comfort to offer and verses of scripture to remind her of, but I have been reminded today that singing songs to a heavy heart is not always the best solution.

As I sit here writing this, I am a long way away from her physically and can’t be present to sit by her bedside in silence or in weeping, but I am comforted in knowing that God sits beside her, and he is the Master comforter. (2 Corinthians 1:3,4) He knows how to speak peace to her soul, and he can bring to mind the precious promises found in scripture.

Although my songs may not be timely, God’s songs always are, and he sings over us with rejoicing.

Zephaniah 3:17 KJV - The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing.

I know that this verse is prophetic, but I cling to this promise knowing that he will save, he will bring rest, and he delights in his children and sings his songs to their heavy hearts.

God, work in me the ability to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice. Enable me to sit in silence and just be present with those who hurt. Help me to know when to speak and when to refrain from speaking. Teach me how to listen and how to show compassion. Help me to refrain from being like vinegar and soda. Reactionary but ineffective. Amen