Anxiety was a Gift

 

Have you ever seen a Persian rug? I mean a ‘real’ Persian rug. Not a knock off version you might find at your local cheap shop. I’m talking about the real deal. The world renowned Bijar rugs that are woven in the city of Bijar, located in the northeast of Iran, in the Kurdish province.

Bijar has been famous for its rugs since the time of the first Persian Empire in 5^th Century BC.

A genuine Bijar rug is a hand-woven Oriental rug, woven by Kurdish weavers in the city of Bijar, Iran using time honoured weaving techniques that are unique to this particular area.

They have often been dubbed the “Iron Rugs of Persia” because of their remarkable durability, able to withstand up to 200 years or more, of heavy use.

The reason for their amazing robustness is found in the way the rugs are made. The Bijar rugs are made using a technique called “wet weaving”, a technique not used anywhere else.

This technique involves compressing the strands of wool tightly between rows of knots. After each row of knots have been tied, the weaver then inserts a weft. The weft strands are the horizontal threads that are interlaced with the vertical warp threads that form the foundation of the rug.

The wet weaving process requires dampening the wool as it is woven, giving it a pliability it wouldn’t normally have.

After the weft has been inserted horizontally, a heavy metal comb or hammer is used to beat down the weft strands and the knots, creating a dense, tightly woven fabric that as it dries, shrinks somewhat, leaving a very compact, firmly constructed, strong, durable and long-lasting rug.

The dampening, the tightly formed knots and the heavy pounding are what gives the rugs their extreme durability and longevity.

So, how does any of this apply to us and our Christian walk?

God wants to turn us into his Bijars.

Yes, you read that right. God wants to use the poundings in our lives, the trials, the difficult seasons, the job losses, the cancer, the grief, the unexplained anxiety, the debilitating depression – to weave a divine strength into our hearts.

Just 5 and a half years ago, I was a different person than I am today.

For 6 months I fought an internal battle. An unexplained battle with depression, anxiety and panic attacks that literally took my breath away, threatening to take me out completely. It had made itself at home and nothing I could do seemed to shake it. Everything I tried failed.

But as I struggled along, fighting attacks of the devil, fighting within myself, crying out to God, letting my emotions overwhelm me, I began to let the Word of God wash over my soul. I began to read my Bible more. I began to pray like never before. I wrote out countless verses on little note cards and plastered them all over the place. I cried through more worship songs than I can count, I played the piano for our church through tears, eyes closed, the turmoil raging inside of me.

But while I was being pounded by waves of fear, while I struggled through days where I didn’t want to get out of bed, while I neglected friendships and often tried to put on a brave face hoping others wouldn’t notice, God was working. God was weaving threads of strength through my pain.

God was weaving a divine strength in my heart that would stand the test of time. He was using his iron tool to beat me down, but not with the intent of crushing me and rendering me useless. He was doing a purifying work, a work that would see me rise up stronger, more reliant on him, more compassionate towards others, more useful in his work and with a heart that desired him more than anything else.

By God’s grace, I did come through my period of trial. I had victory over anxiety. I had victory over fear.

With each day, I became increasingly stronger. My faith grew. God’s hammer of anxiety began to add a row of knots into the tapestry of my life, dampened with my many tears, the weft he wove added strength to my inmost being. And eventually, I realized that anxiety had no power over Christ. Fear had no hold on God. It couldn’t hold God and it couldn’t hold me.

I recognized that no matter what, Jesus would hold me. He wouldn’t let me go. He would continue to love me. To defend me. To keep me. He wouldn’t forsake me, and all my emotional needs were met in him. He was enough.

The fear that paralyzed me no longer held a deathly grip on me.

The depression that threw me into the dark abyss no longer overwhelmed me.

The cloud of anxiety that hung overhead was no longer there.

John 16:33 These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

But just because I was able to make it through this difficult season of my life, doesn’t mean I don’t find myself struggling with anxiety every now and then. It no longer has a hold on me, but I do feel its sting from time to time.

The difference is that the fear no longer paralyzes me. It doesn’t dictate to me my course of life. The peace that Jesus gave me then, I still have access to now.

All the verses of Scripture that I read over and over and the promises I clung to are still found in the pages of my Bible and they still apply.

I have more ammunition in my tool belt to fight off Satan’s attacks and I have a strength woven into my being that wasn’t there before.

So, when those moments of fear come upon me and I feel like I might go under, I rise up and hold onto what I learnt in those dark days. I cry out to God and remind him of his promises. I remember my past victories and I open my lips and praise him.

God wants to make us his Bijars. His rugs that stand the test of time. Durable. Strong. Still vibrant and useful after years of use. Beautiful works of art.

You may be in a season of pounding right now. God may be using things in your life to build strength and resilience and reliance on him.

You may be facing things in your life that make you wonder if you can even last another day.

You may be hammered by trials, by fear, by rejection, by insecurities.

Don’t resist his iron tools, his wetting of the fabric of your life, his tying of knots and weaving in and out. He is working to create a masterpiece. A work of art.

His pounding can bring new strength.

Romans 5:3-4 And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

I never realised at the time that my anxiety was a gift. It felt like a cruel cross that I had to bear. But God used it to purify me and help draw me closer to him. He developed in me a love for him and his Word. He gave me a hunger and thirst for the Words of Scripture and a desire to study and grow in my relationship with him. He helped me to build a stockpile of promises I could cling to when times got rough.

He helped me to see the needs of others with a heart of compassion. He began to stir my heart to be sensitive to those around me and reach out and love others that needed a friend. He brought a peace to my heart that I had never known and a peace that could be a testimony to others of God’s goodness.

I am not the same person I was back then. I am being made more like Christ. Slowly but surely, through the trials God allows in my life, I am growing. I am far from perfect, but God is doing a work only he can do. He is cleaning out the things in my life that shouldn’t be there and replacing them with threads of various colours. Each line of weaving tells a different story. Each knot another tale. And the more I resist his workings, the uglier my tapestry becomes.

If I lay still under his hand, allowing his work to go on unhindered by my attitude and actions, he is able to create a masterpiece. Something that can show his glory and reflect his love. Oh, how I pray that I wouldn’t resist his workings and that I would submit to the hand of the master weaver.

Job 23:10 But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.

Psalm 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.